目 录 上一节 下一节 
我可以告诉你是否找到了自己喜欢的人，是否向她求婚，但是她所说的话却要记录在'命运'的书本里。十年中我四处飘泊，先住在一个国家的首都，后来又到了另外一个。有时在圣．彼得堡，更多的时候在巴黎，偶尔在罗马、那不勒斯和佛罗伦萨。因为身边有的是钱，又有祖辈的威名作通行证，我可选择自己的社交领域，没有哪个圈子会拒绝我。我寻找着我理想中的女人，在英国的女士中间，法国的伯爵夫人中间，意大利的signoras中间和德国的Grafinner中间。我找不到她。有时刹那之间我以为抓住了一个眼神，听到了一种腔调，看到了一种体形，宣告我的梦想就要实现，但我又马上醒悟了。你别以为我无论在心灵还是人本身上渴求完美，我只是盼望有适合我的人--与克里奥尔人形，成对比，而我徒劳地企望着。即使我完全自由--我常常回想起不和谐的婚姻的危险、可怕和可憎一-在她们所有的人中间，我也找不到一个可以向她求婚的人。失望使我变得轻率起来。我尝试了放荡一-但从来没有纵欲。过去和现在我都厌恶纵欲，那恰是我的那位西印度荡妇的特点，我对她和她的淫荡深恶痛绝，所以即使在作乐时也有所约束。一切近乎淫荡的享受，会使我同她和她的罪恶靠拢，于是我尽力避免。" "Yet I could not live alone; so I tried the companionship ofmistresses. The first I chose was Celine Varens--another of thosesteps which make a man spurn himself when he recalls them. Youalready know what she was, and how my liaison with her terminated.She had two successors: an Italian, Giacinta, and a German, Clara;both considered singularly handsome. What was their beauty to me ina few weeks? Giacinta was unprincipled and violent: I tired of herin three months. Clara was honest and quiet; but heavy, mindless,and unimpressible: not one whit to my taste. I was glad to giveher a sufficient sum to set her up in a good line of business, andso get decently rid of her. But, Jane, I see by your face you arenot forming a very favourable opinion of me just now. You think mean unfeeling, loose-principled rake: don't you?"" 但是我无法单独生活，所以我尝试找情妇来作伴。我第一个选中的是塞莉纳．瓦伦一一我所走的另一步，使人一想起来就会唾弃自己。你已经知道她是怎么个人，我们之间的私通是如何结束的。她之后有两个后继者，一个是意大利人嘉辛塔；另一个是德国人克莱拉，两人都被认为美貌绝伦。但是几周之后我觉得她们的美貌对我又有什么意思？嘉辛塔肆无忌惮，性格暴烈，过了三个月我就讨厌了；克莱拉诚实文静，但反应迟钝，没有头脑，很不敏感，一点也不对我口味。我很高兴给了她相当一笔钱，替她找到了一个很好的行当，体面地把她撵走了。可是简，从你的脸上可以看出，刚才你对我的印象并不很好，你认为我是一个冷酷无情、放荡不羁的流氓，是吗？" "I don't like you so well as I have done sometimes, indeed, sir.Did it not seem to you in the least wrong to live in that way, firstwith one mistress and then another? You talk of it as a mere matterof course."" 说实在我并不像有时那么喜欢你，先生。你难道一点也不觉得这种一会儿这个情妇，一会儿那个情妇的生活方式不对吗？你谈起来仿佛这是理所当然的。" "It was with me; and I did not like it. It was a grovelling fashionof existence: I should never like to return to it. Hiring amistress is the next worse thing to buying a slave: both are oftenby nature, and always by position, inferior: and to live familiarlywith inferiors is degrading. I now hate the recollection of thetime I passed with Celine, Giacinta, and Clara."" 我是曾有这个想法，但我并不喜欢这么做。这是一种苟旦偷生的生活，我决不想走回头路了。雇一个情妇之坏仅次于买一个奴隶，两者就本性和地位而言都是低下的，同下人厮混是堕落，现在我讨厌回忆同塞莉纳、嘉辛塔和克莱拉一起的日子。" I felt the truth of these words; and I drew from them the certaininference, that if I were so far to forget myself and all theteaching that had ever been instilled into me, as--under anypretext--with any justification--through any temptation--to becomethe successor of these poor girls, he would one day regard me withthe same feeling which now in his mind desecrated their memory. Idid not give utterance to this conviction: it was enough to feelit. I impressed it on my heart, that it might remain there to serveme as aid in the time of trial. 我觉得这番话很真实，并从中作出了推断：要是我忘了自己，忘了向来所受的教导，在任何借口，任何理由和任何诱惑之下重蹈这些可怜姑娘的复辙，有朝一日，他会以此刻回忆起来时亵渎她们的同样心情，来对待我。我并没有把这个想法说出来，感受到了也就够了。我把它印在心坎里，让它在考验的时刻对我有所帮助。 
噢，简，你干嘛不说'那么，先生？'我还没有说完呢。你神情严肃，看得出来不同意我的看法。不过让我直说吧。去年一月，我打发走了所有的情妇一-当时的心情既冷酷又苦恼，那是毫无意义、飘忽不定的孤独生活的苦果--我心灰意冷，便怒悻悻地反对一切男性，尤其是反对一切女性（因为，我开始认为理智、忠实、可爱的女人不过是一种梦想），因为事务需要，我回到了英格兰。" "On a frosty winter afternoon, I rode in sight of Thornfield Hall.Abhorred spot! I expected no peace--no pleasure there. On a stilein Hay Lane I saw a quiet little figure sitting by itself. I passedit as negligently as I did the pollard willow opposite to it: I hadno presentiment of what it would be to me; no inward warning thatthe arbitress of my life--my genius for good or evil--waited therein humble guise. I did not know it, even when, on the occasion ofMesrour's accident, it came up and gravely offered me help.Childish and slender creature! It seemed as if a linnet had hoppedto my foot and proposed to bear me on its tiny wing. I was surly;but the thing would not go: it stood by me with strangeperseverance, and looked and spoke with a sort of authority. I mustbe aided, and by that hand: and aided I was." 一个有霜冻的冬日下午，我骑在马上看见了桑菲尔德府。多么骇人的地方！在那里我预料没有安宁，没有欢乐。在海巷的阶梯上我看到一个斯斯文文的小东西独个儿坐着。我不经意地在她旁边走过，就像路过对面截去树梢的柳树一样。这小东西与我会有什么关系，我没有预感，也没有内心的感应暗示我。我生活的仲裁人--好歹也是我的守护神一-穿着一身很不起眼的衣服坐在那儿。甚至我的梅斯罗马出了事故，这小东西一本正经上来帮忙时，我也还不知道她呢！一个稚气十足，纤弱苗条的家伙，仿佛一只红雀跳到我脚边，提议用它细小的翅膀背负我。我有些粗暴。但这东西就是不走，站在我旁边，固执得出奇，一付不容违抗的神态和口气。我得有人帮忙，而且是由那双手来帮，结果我是得到了帮助。" "When once I had pressed the frail shoulder, something new--a freshsap and sense--stole into my frame. It was well I had learnt thatthis elf must return to me--that it belonged to my house down below--or I could not have felt it pass away from under my hand, and seenit vanish behind the dim hedge, without singular regret. I heardyou come home that night, Jane, though probably you were not awarethat I thought of you or watched for you. The next day I observedyou--myself unseen--for half-an-hour, while you played with Adele inthe gallery. It was a snowy day, I recollect, and you could not goout of doors. I was in my room; the door was ajar: I could bothlisten and watch. Adele claimed your outward attention for a while;yet I fancied your thoughts were elsewhere: but you were verypatient with her, my little Jane; you talked to her and amused her along time. When at last she left you, you lapsed at once into deepreverie: you betook yourself slowly to pace the gallery. Now andthen, in passing a casement, you glanced out at the thick-fallingsnow; you listened to the sobbing wind, and again you paced gentlyon and dreamed. I think those day visions were not dark: there wasa pleasurable illumination in your eye occasionally, a softexcitement in your aspect, which told of no bitter, bilious,hypochondriac brooding: your look revealed rather the sweet musingsof youth when its spirit follows on willing wings the flight of Hopeup and on to an ideal heaven. The voice of Mrs. Fairfax, speakingto a servant in the hall, wakened you: and how curiously you smiledto and at yourself, Janet! There was much sense in your smile: itwas very shrewd, and seemed to make light of your own abstraction.It seemed to say--'My fine visions are all very well, but I must notforget they are absolutely unreal. I have a rosy sky and a greenflowery Eden in my brain; but without, I am perfectly aware, lies atmy feet a rough tract to travel, and around me gather black tempeststo encounter.' You ran downstairs and demanded of Mrs. Fairfax someoccupation: the weekly house accounts to make up, or something ofthat sort, I think it was. I was vexed with you for getting out ofmy sight." 我一压那娇柔的肩膀，某种新的东西--新鲜的活力和意识一-悄悄地流进了我的躯体。好在我已知道这个小精灵得回到我身边--它住在我底下的房子里。要不然我会不无遗憾地感到它从我的手底下溜走，消失在暗淡的树篱中。我听到了你那天晚上回家来，简，尽管你未必知道我思念你，观察着你。第二天你与阿黛勒在走廊上玩的时候，我观察了你半个小时（没有暴露我自己）。我记得这是个下雪天，你们不能到户外去。我呆在自己的房间里，半开着门。我可以听，也可以看。一时阿黛勒占据了你外在注意力，但我想象你的心思在别的地方。但你对她非常耐心，我的小简。你同她交谈，逗了她很久，最后她离开你时，你又立刻陷入了沉思。你开始在走廊上慢慢地踱起步来，不时经过窗前，你往外眺望着纷纷扬扬的雪，倾听着似泣似诉的风，你又再次轻轻地走着，沉入了遐想。我想白天的光线并不很暗，你的眼睛里时而映现出一种愉悦的光，面容里露出柔和的兴奋，表明这不是一种痛苦、暴躁、疑病症式的沉思。你的目光中透出一种青春的甜蜜思索，心甘情愿的翅膀载着青春的心灵，追逐着希望的踪影，不断登高，飞向理想的天国。费尔法克斯太太在大厅里同仆人说话的声音把你惊醒了，而你奇怪地独自笑着，也笑你自己，珍妮特。你的微笑意味深长，十分敏锐，也似乎是笑你自己走了神，它仿佛说，'我所看到的美好景象尽管不错，但我决不能忘记这是绝对虚假的。在我的脑海里，有一个玫瑰式的天空，一个红花绿草的伊甸园；但在外面，我完全意识到，脚下有一条坎坷的路要走，有着渐渐聚拢的黑色风暴要面对。'你跑到了楼下，向费尔法克斯太太要些事儿干干，我想是清算一周的家庭帐目，或者诸如此类的事情。你跑出了我的视线之外，我对你很生气。"
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