目 录 上一节 下一节 
我说了最后一句话后，他沉默了。我立刻大胆地抬头去看他的面容。 His eye, bent on me, expressed at once stern surprise and keeninquiry. "Is she sarcastic, and sarcastic to ME!" it seemed to say."What does this signify?" 他的目光对着我，既表示子惊讶，又露出了急切的探询之情。"她可在嘲弄？是嘲弄我吗？"这目光仿佛说。"那是什么意思呢？" "Do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter," he said erelong; "one of which we may neither think nor talk lightly withoutsin. I trust, Jane, you are in earnest when you say you will serveyour heart to God: it is all I want. Once wrench your heart fromman, and fix it on your Maker, the advancement of that Maker'sspiritual kingdom on earth will be your chief delight and endeavour;you will be ready to do at once whatever furthers that end. Youwill see what impetus would be given to your efforts and mine by ourphysical and mental union in marriage: the only union that gives acharacter of permanent conformity to the destinies and designs ofhuman beings; and, passing over all minor caprices--all trivialdifficulties and delicacies of feeling--all scruple about thedegree, kind, strength or tenderness of mere personal inclination--you will hasten to enter into that union at once."" 别让我们忘记这是一件严肃的事情，"过了一会儿他说。"这是一件我们无论轻率地想，还是轻率地谈都不免有罪的事。简，我相信你说把心交给上帝的时候，你是真诚的。我就只要你这样。一旦你把心从人那儿掏出来，交给了上帝，那么在世上推进上帝的精神王国会成为你的乐趣和事业。凡能推动这一目标的一切，你都准备立即去做。你就会看到我们肉体和精神上的结合，将会对你我的努力有多大的促进！只有这种结合才能给人类的命运和设想以一种永久一致的特性。而且只要你摆脱一切琐细的任性--克服感情上的一切细小障碍和娇气--放弃考虑个人爱好的程度、种类、力量或是柔情--你就会立刻急于要达成这种结合。" "Shall I?" I said briefly; and I looked at his features, beautifulin their harmony, but strangely formidable in their still severity;at his brow, commanding but not open; at his eyes, bright and deepand searching, but never soft; at his tall imposing figure; andfancied myself in idea HIS WIFE. Oh! it would never do! As hiscurate, his comrade, all would be right: I would cross oceans withhim in that capacity; toil under Eastern suns, in Asian deserts withhim in that office; admire and emulate his courage and devotion andvigour; accommodate quietly to his masterhood; smile undisturbed athis ineradicable ambition; discriminate the Christian from the man:profoundly esteem the one, and freely forgive the other. I shouldsuffer often, no doubt, attached to him only in this capacity: mybody would be under rather a stringent yoke, but my heart and mindwould be free. I should still have my unblighted self to turn to:my natural unenslaved feelings with which to communicate in momentsof loneliness. There would be recesses in my mind which would beonly mine, to which he never came, and sentiments growing therefresh and sheltered which his austerity could never blight, nor hismeasured warrior-march trample down: but as his wife--at his sidealways, and always restrained, and always checked--forced to keepthe fire of my nature continually low, to compel it to burn inwardlyand never utter a cry, though the imprisoned flame consumed vitalafter vital--THIS would be unendurable." 我会吗？"我简短地说。我瞧着他的五官，它们漂亮匀称，但呆板严肃，出奇地可怕；我瞧着他的额头，它威严却并不舒展；我瞧着他的眼睛，它们明亮、深沉、锐利，却从不温柔；我瞧着他那高高的、威严的身子，设想我自己是他的妻子！呵！这绝对不行！作他的副牧师，他的同事，那一切都没有问题。我要以那样的身份同他一起漂洋过海，在东方的日头下劳作；以那样的职责与他同赴亚洲的沙漠，钦佩和仿效他的勇气、忠诚和活力；默默地听任他的控制；自由自在地笑他根深蒂固的雄心；区别基督教徒和一般人，对其中一个深为敬重，对另一个随意宽恕。毫无疑问，仅以这样的身份依附他，我常常会感到痛苦。我的肉体将会置于紧紧的枷琐之中，不过我的心灵和思想却是自由的。我仍然还可以转向没有枯萎的自我，也就是那未受奴役的自然的感情，在孤独的时刻我还可以与这种感情交流。在我的心田里有着一个只属于我的角落，他永远到不了那里，情感在那里发展，新鲜而又隐蔽。他的严酷无法使它枯竭，他那勇士般的整齐步伐，也无法将它踏倒。但是做他的妻子，永远在他身边，永远受到束缚，永远需要克制--不得不将天性之火压得很小，迫使它只在内心燃烧，永远不喊出声来，尽管被禁锢的火焰销蚀了一个又一个器官--这简直难以忍受。 "St. John!" I exclaimed, when I had got so far in my meditation." 圣.约翰！"我想得那么远时叫了出来。 
嗯？"他冷冷地回答。 "I repeat I freely consent to go with you as your fellow-missionary,but not as your wife; I cannot marry you and become part of you."" 我重复一遍，我欣然同意作为你的传教士伙伴跟你去，但不作为你的妻子。我不能嫁你，成为你的一部分。" "A part of me you must become," he answered steadily; "otherwise thewhole bargain is void. How can I, a man not yet thirty, take outwith me to India a girl of nineteen, unless she be married to me?How can we be for ever together--sometimes in solitudes, sometimesamidst savage tribes--and unwed?"" 你必须成为我的一部分，"他沉着地回答，"不然整个事儿只是一句空话。除非你跟我结婚，要不我这样一个不到三十岁的男人怎么能带一个十九岁的站娘去印度呢？我们怎么能没有结婚却始终呆在一起呢--有时与外界隔绝，有时与野蛮种族相处？" "Very well," I said shortly; "under the circumstances, quite as wellas if I were either your real sister, or a man and a clergyman likeyourself."" 很好，"我唐突地说，"既然这样，那还不如把我当成你的亲妹妹，或者像你一样一个男人，一个牧师。" "It is known that you are not my sister; I cannot introduce you assuch: to attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on usboth. And for the rest, though you have a man's vigorous brain, youhave a woman's heart and--it would not do."" 谁都知道你不是我的妹妹。我不能那样把你介绍给别人，不然会给我们两人招来嫌疑和中伤。至于其他，尽管你有着男子活跃的头脑，却有一颗女人的心--这就不行了。" 
这行"，我有些不屑地肯定说，"完全行。我有一颗女人的心，但这颗心与你说的无关。对你，我只抱着同伴的坚贞，兄弟战士的坦率、忠诚和友情，如果还有别的，那就是新教士对圣师的尊敬和服从。没有别的了--请放心。" "It is what I want," he said, speaking to himself; "it is just whatI want. And there are obstacles in the way: they must be hewndown. Jane, you would not repent marrying me--be certain of that;we MUST be married. I repeat it: there is no other way; andundoubtedly enough of love would follow upon marriage to render theunion right even in your eyes."" 这就是我所需要的，"他自言自语地说，"我正需要这个。道路上障碍重重，必须一一排除。简，跟我结婚你不会后悔的。肯定是这样，我们一定得结婚，我再说一句，没有别的路可走了。毫无疑问，结婚以后，爱情会随之而生，足以使这样的婚姻在你看来也是正确的。" "I scorn your idea of love," I could not help saying, as I rose upand stood before him, leaning my back against the rock. "I scornthe counterfeit sentiment you offer: yes, St. John, and I scorn youwhen you offer it."" 我瞧不起你的爱情观，"我不由自主地说，一面立起来，背靠岩石站在他面前。"我瞧不起你所献的虚情假意，是的，圣.约翰，你那么做的时候，我就瞧不起你了。" He looked at me fixedly, compressing his well-cut lips while he didso. Whether he was incensed or surprised, or what, it was not easyto tell: he could command his countenance thoroughly. 他眼睛盯着我，一面紧抿着有棱角的嘴唇。他究竟是被激怒了，还是感到吃惊，或是其他等等，很不容易判断。他完全能驾驭自己的面部表情。 "I scarcely expected to hear that expression from you," he said: "Ithink I have done and uttered nothing to deserve scorn." 我几乎没有料到会从你那儿听到这样的话，"他说，"我认为我并没有做过和说过让你瞧不起的事情。" 
我被他温和的语调所打动，也被他傲慢镇定的神态所震慑。 "Forgive me the words, St. John; but it is your own fault that Ihave been roused to speak so unguardedly. You have introduced atopic on which our natures are at variance--a topic we should neverdiscuss: the very name of love is an apple of discord between us.If the reality were required, what should we do? How should wefeel? My dear cousin, abandon your scheme of marriage--forget it."" 原谅我的话吧，圣.约翰。不过这是你自己的过错，把我激得说话毫无顾忌了。你谈起了一个我们两个水火不容的话题--一个我们决不应该讨论的话题。爱情这两个字本身就会挑起我们之间的争端--要是从实际出发，我们该怎么办呢？我们该怎么感觉？我的亲爱的表兄，放弃你那套结婚计划吧--忘掉它。" "No," said he; "it is a long-cherished scheme, and the only onewhich can secure my great end: but I shall urge you no further atpresent. To-morrow, I leave home for Cambridge: I have manyfriends there to whom I should wish to say farewell. I shall beabsent a fortnight--take that space of time to consider my offer:and do not forget that if you reject it, it is not me you deny, butGod. Through my means, He opens to you a noble career; as my wifeonly can you enter upon it. Refuse to be my wife, and you limityourself for ever to a track of selfish ease and barren obscurity.Tremble lest in that case you should be numbered with those who havedenied the faith, and are worse than infidels!"" 不，"他说，"这是一个久经酝酿的计划，而且是唯一能使我实现我伟大目标的计划。不过现在我不想再劝你了。明天我要离家上剑桥去，那里我有很多朋友，我想同他们告别一下。我要外出两周--利用这段时间考虑一下我的建议吧。别忘了，要是你拒绝，你舍弃的不是我，而是上帝。通过我，上帝为你提供了高尚的职业，而只有做我的妻子，你才能从事这项职业。拒绝做我的妻子，你就永远把自己局限在自私闲适、一无所获、默默无闻的小道上。你簌簌发抖，担心自己被归入放弃信仰、比异教徒还糟糕的一类人！" He had done. Turning from me, he once more 他说完从我那儿走开，再次-- "Looked to river, looked to hill."" 眺望小溪，眺望山坡。" 
但这时候他把自己的感情全都闷在心里。我不配听它渲泄。我跟着他往家走的时候，从他铁板一样的沉默中，我清楚地知道他对我的态度。那是一种严厉、专制的个性，在预料对方能俯首贴耳的情形下，遭到了反抗--对一种冷静和不可改变的裁决表示了非难之后，以及在另一个人身上发现了自己无力打动的情感与观点之后所感到的失望。总之，作为一个男人，他本希望逼迫我就范。而只是因为他是一个虔诚的基督教徒，才这么耐心地忍住了我的执拗，给我那么长时间思考和忏悔。
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