名著·简.爱 - 第147节

　　那天晚上，他吻了妹妹们以后，认为忘掉同我握手比较妥当，便默默地离开了房间，我尽管对他没有爱情，却有深厚的友谊，被他这种明显的冷落刺伤了心，我心里难受得连泪水都涌上了眼睛。

"I see you and St. John have been quarrelling, Jane," said Diana,"during your walk on the moor. But go after him; he is nowlingering in the passage expecting you--he will make it up.""

　　我看得出来，你们在荒原上散步时，你和圣.约翰吵过了，简，"黛安娜说，"可是，跟上他吧，他在过道里走来走去，盼着你呢--他会和好的。"

I have not much pride under such circumstances: I would alwaysrather be happy than dignified; and I ran after him--he stood at thefoot of the stairs.

　　这种情况下我没有多大的自尊。与其保持尊严，总还不如保持心境愉快，我跟在他后面跑过去--他在楼梯跟前站住了。

"Good-night, St. John," said I."

　　晚安，圣.约翰，"我说。

"Good-night, Jane," he replied calmly."

　　晚安，简，"他镇定地回答。

　　那么握握手吧，"我加了一句。

What a cold, loose touch, he impressed on my fingers! He was deeplydispleased by what had occurred that day; cordiality would not warm,nor tears move him. No happy reconciliation was to be had with him--no cheering smile or generous word: but still the Christian waspatient and placid; and when I asked him if he forgave me, heanswered that he was not in the habit of cherishing the remembranceof vexation; that he had nothing to forgive, not having beenoffended.

　　他的手触碰我的手指时是多么冷，多么松弛呀！他对那天发生的事情很不高兴。热诚已无法使他温暖，眼泪也不能打动他了。同他已不可能达成愉快的和解--他没有激励人的笑容，也没有慷慨大度的话语。可是这位基督徒依然耐心而平静。我问他是否原谅我时，他说没有记恨的习惯，也没有什么需要原谅，因为压根儿就没有被冒犯过。

And with that answer he left me. I would much rather he had knockedme down.

　　他那么回答了以后，便离开了我。我宁愿被他打倒在地。

He did not leave for Cambridge the next day, as he had said hewould. He deferred his departure a whole week, and during that timehe made me feel what severe punishment a good yet stern, aconscientious yet implacable man can inflict on one who has offendedhim. Without one overt act of hostility, one upbraiding word, hecontrived to impress me momently with the conviction that I was putbeyond the pale of his favour.

　　第二天他并没有像他说的那样去剑桥。他把动身的日子推迟了整整一周。在这段时间内，他让我感觉到了一个善良却苛刻、真诚却不宽容的人，能给予得罪了他的人多么严厉的惩罚。他没有公开的敌视行为，没有一句责备的话，却使我能立刻相信，我已得不到他的欢心。

Not that St. John harboured a spirit of unchristian vindictiveness--not that he would have injured a hair of my head, if it had beenfully in his power to do so. Both by nature and principle, he wassuperior to the mean gratification of vengeance: he had forgiven mefor saying I scorned him and his love, but he had not forgotten thewords; and as long as he and I lived he never would forget them. Isaw by his look, when he turned to me, that they were always writtenon the air between me and him; whenever I spoke, they sounded in myvoice to his ear, and their echo toned every answer he gave me.

　　不是说圣.约翰怀着跟基督教不相容的报复心--也不是说要是他有这份能耐，就会伤着我一根头发怎么的。以本性和原则而言，他超越了满足于卑鄙的报复。他原谅我说了蔑视他和他的爱情的话，但他并没有忘记这些话本身。只要他和我还活着，他就永远不会忘掉。我从他转向我时的神态中看到，这些话总是写在我与他之间的空气中，无论什么时候我一开口，在他听来，我的嗓音里总有着这些话的味道，他给我的每个回答也回响着这些话的余音。

　　他并没有避免同我交谈，他甚至还像往常那样每天早晨把我叫到他书桌旁。我担心他心中的堕落者有一种秘而不宜，也不为纯洁的基督徒所欣赏的乐趣，表明他能多么巧妙地在一如既往的言论举动中，从每个行动和每句话里，抽掉某种曾使他的言语和风度产生严肃魅力的关心和赞许心情。对我来说，他实际上已不再是有血有肉的活体，而是一块大理石。他的眼睛是一块又冷又亮的蓝宝石，他的舌头是说话的工具--如此而已。

All this was torture to me--refined, lingering torture. It kept upa slow fire of indignation and a trembling trouble of grief, whichharassed and crushed me altogether. I felt how--if I were his wife,this good man, pure as the deep sunless source, could soon kill me,without drawing from my veins a single drop of blood, or receivingon his own crystal conscience the faintest stain of crime.Especially I felt this when I made any attempt to propitiate him.No ruth met my ruth. HE experienced no suffering from estrangement--no yearning after reconciliation; and though, more than once, myfast falling tears blistered the page over which we both bent, theyproduced no more effect on him than if his heart had been really amatter of stone or metal. To his sisters, meantime, he was somewhatkinder than usual: as if afraid that mere coldness would notsufficiently convince me how completely I was banished and banned,he added the force of contrast; and this I am sure he did not byforce, but on principle.

　　这一切对我是一种折磨--细细的慢悠悠的折磨。它不断激起微弱的怒火和令人颤抖的烦恼，弄得我心烦意乱，神衰力竭。假如我是他的妻子，我觉得这位纯洁如没有阳光的深渊的好人，不必从我的血管里抽取一滴血，也不会在清白的良心上留下一丝罪恶的痕迹，就能很快杀死我。我想抚慰他时尤其感到这点，我的同情得不到呼应。他并不因为疏远而感到痛苦--他没有和解的愿望。尽管我一串串落下的眼泪在我们一起埋头阅读的书页上泛起了水泡，他丝毫不为所动，就仿佛他的心确实是一块石头或金属。与此同时，他对妹妹们似乎比平常更好些了，唯恐单单冷淡还不足以使我相信，我已那么彻底被逐出教门，他又加上了反差的力量。我确信他这么做不是因为恶意，而是出于对原则的维护。

The night before he left home, happening to see him walking in thegarden about sunset, and remembering, as I looked at him, that thisman, alienated as he now was, had once saved my life, and that wewere near relations, I was moved to make a last attempt to regainhis friendship. I went out and approached him as he stood leaningover the little gate; I spoke to the point at once.

　　他离家前夕，我偶然见他日落时在园子里散步。瞧着他的身影，我想起这个眼下虽然与我有些隔膜的人，曾经救过我的性命，又是我的近亲，心里便感动得打算作最后一次努力，来恢复友谊。我出了门，向他走去，他倚着小门站着，我立刻开门见山地说：

"St. John, I am unhappy because you are still angry with me. Let usbe friends.""

　　圣.约翰，我不大高兴，因为你还在生我的气，让我们成为朋友吧。"

"I hope we are friends," was the unmoved reply; while he stillwatched the rising of the moon, which he had been contemplating as Iapproached."

　　但愿我们是朋友，"他一面无动于衷地回答，一面仍然仰望着冉冉上升的月亮，我走近他时他就早已那么凝视着了。

　　不，圣.约翰。我们并不像过去那样是朋友了。这你知道。"

"Are we not? That is wrong. For my part, I wish you no ill and allgood.""

　　难道我们不是吗？这话可错了。就我来说，我并没希望你倒霉，而是愿你一切都好。"

"I believe you, St. John; for I am sure you are incapable of wishingany one ill; but, as I am your kinswoman, I should desire somewhatmore of affection than that sort of general philanthropy you extendto mere strangers.""

　　我相信你，圣.约翰，因为我深信你不会希望别人倒霉，不过既然我是你的亲戚，我就希望多得到一分爱，超过你施予一般陌路人的博爱。"

"Of course," he said. "Your wish is reasonable, and I am far fromregarding you as a stranger.""

　　当然，"他说，"你的愿望是合理的，我决没有把你当作陌路人。"

This, spoken in a cool, tranquil tone, was mortifying and bafflingenough. Had I attended to the suggestions of pride and ire, Ishould immediately have left him; but something worked within memore strongly than those feelings could. I deeply venerated mycousin's talent and principle. His friendship was of value to me:to lose it tried me severely. I would not so soon relinquish theattempt to reconquer it.

　　这话说得沉着镇静，但也是够折磨人令人丧气的。要是我迁就自尊和恼怒的苗头，我会立刻走掉。但是我内心有某种比那些感情更强烈的东西在活动。我十分敬佩我表兄的才能和为人，他的友谊对我来说很宝贵，失掉它会使我心里非常难受。我不会那么很快就放弃重新征服的念头。