目 录 上一节 下一节 
不，圣，约翰，我不嫁你，并坚持自己的决定。" The avalanche had shaken and slid a little forward, but it did notyet crash down. 崩裂的冰雪抖动着往前滑了一下，但还没有塌下来。 "Once more, why this refusal?" he asked." 再说一遍，为什么拒绝？"他问。 "Formerly," I answered, "because you did not love me; now, I reply,because you almost hate me. If I were to marry you, you would killme. You are killing me now."" 以前我回答过了，因为你不爱我。现在我回答。因为你差不多恨我。要是我跟你结婚，你会要我的命，现在就要我的命了。" His lips and cheeks turned white--quite white. 他的嘴唇和脸硕顿时刷白--很白很白。 
我会要你的命--我现在就在要你的命？你这些话很凶也不真实，不象女人说的。你根本就不应该这么说。这些话暴露了心灵的一种不幸状态，应当严受责备，而且是不可宽恕的。但是人的职责是宽恕他的同胞，即使是宽恕他七十七次。" I had finished the business now. While earnestly wishing to erasefrom his mind the trace of my former offence, I had stamped on thattenacious surface another and far deeper impression, I had burnt itin. 这下可完蛋了。我原是希望从他的脑海里抹去以前的伤痕，却不料在它坚韧的表面上打上了更深的印记，我已经把它烙到里面去了。 "Now you will indeed hate me," I said. "It is useless to attempt toconciliate you: I see I have made an eternal enemy of you."" 现在你真的恨我了，"我说，"再要同你和解也没有用了。我知道我已把你变成了永久的敌人。" A fresh wrong did these words inflict: the worse, because theytouched on the truth. That bloodless lip quivered to a temporaryspasm. I knew the steely ire I had whetted. I was heart-wrung. 这些话好似雪上加霜，因为触及事实而更加伤人。没有血色的嘴唇抖动着一下子抽搐起来。我知道我己煽起了钢刀一般的愤怒。我心里痛苦不堪。 "You utterly misinterpret my words," I said, at once seizing hishand: "I have no intention to grieve or pain you--indeed, I havenot."" 你完全误解了我的话，"我立刻抓住他的手说，"我无意让你难受或痛苦--真的，我没有这个意思。" 
他苦笑着--非常坚决地把手抽了回去。"我想，现在你收回你的允诺，根本不去印度了，是吗？"一阵相当长的静默之后他说。 "Yes, I will, as your assistant," I answered." 不，我要去的，当你的助手，"我回答。 A very long silence succeeded. What struggle there was in himbetween Nature and Grace in this interval, I cannot tell: onlysingular gleams scintillated in his eyes, and strange shadows passedover his face. He spoke at last. 接着是一阵很长的沉默。在这间隙，天性与情理之间究竟如何搏斗着，我说不上来，他的眼睛闪着奇异的光芒，奇怪的阴影掠过他的面孔。他终于开口了。 "I before proved to you the absurdity of a single woman of your ageproposing to accompany abroad a single man of mine. I proved it toyou in such terms as, I should have thought, would have preventedyour ever again alluding to the plan. That you have done so, Iregret--for your sake."" 我以前曾向你证明，像你这般年纪的单身女人，陪伴像我这样的男人是荒唐的。我已把话说到这样的地步，我想你不会再提起这个打算了。很遗憾你居然还是提了--为你感到遗憾。" I interrupted him. Anything like a tangible reproach gave mecourage at once. "Keep to common sense, St. John: you are vergingon nonsense. You pretend to be shocked by what I have said. Youare not really shocked: for, with your superior mind, you cannot beeither so dull or so conceited as to misunderstand my meaning. Isay again, I will be your curate, if you like, but never your wife." 我打断了他。类似这种具体的责备反而立刻给了我勇气。"你要通情理，圣.约翰！你近乎胡言乱语了。你假装对我所说的感到震惊，其实你并没有，因为像你这样出色的脑袋，不可能那么迟钝，或者自负，以致于误解我的意思。我再说一次，要是你高兴，我可以当你的副牧师，而不是你妻子。" 
他再次脸色刷白，但像以前一样还是完全控制住了自己的感情。他的回答很有力却也很镇静： "A female curate, who is not my wife, would never suit me. With me,then, it seems, you cannot go: but if you are sincere in youroffer, I will, while in town, speak to a married missionary, whosewife needs a coadjutor. Your own fortune will make you independentof the Society's aid; and thus you may still be spared the dishonourof breaking your promise and deserting the band you engaged tojoin."" 一个不做我妻子的女副牧师，对我绝不合适。那么看来，你是不能同我去了。但要是你的建议很诚心，那我去镇上的时候可以同一个已婚的教士说说，他的妻子需要一个助手。你有自己的财产，不必依赖教会的赞助，这样，你就不会因为失信和毁约而感到耻辱。" Now I never had, as the reader knows, either given any formalpromise or entered into any engagement; and this language was allmuch too hard and much too despotic for the occasion. I replied - 读者们明白，我从来没有作过一本正经的许诺，也没有跟谁订下过约定。在这种场合，他的话说得太狠，太专横了。我回答： "There is no dishonour, no breach of promise, no desertion in thecase. I am not under the slightest obligation to go to India,especially with strangers. With you I would have ventured much,because I admire, confide in, and, as a sister, I love you; but I amconvinced that, go when and with whom I would, I should not livelong in that climate."" 在这件事情上，并无耻辱可言，也不存在着失信和毁约。我丝毫没有去印度的义务，尤其是同陌生人。同你，我愿意冒很大的险，因为我佩服你，信任你。作为一个妹妹，我爱你。但我相信，不管什么时候去，跟谁去，在那种气候条件下我活不长久。" "Ah! you are afraid of yourself," he said, curling his lip." 呵，你怕你自己，"他噘起嘴唇说。 
我是害怕。上帝给了我生命不是让我虚掷的，而按你的意愿去做，我想无异于自杀。况且，我在决心离开英国之前，还要确实弄明白，留在这儿是不是比离开更有价值。" "What do you mean?"" 你这是什么意思？" "It would be fruitless to attempt to explain; but there is a pointon which I have long endured painful doubt, and I can go nowheretill by some means that doubt is removed."" 解释也是徒劳的，在这一点上我长期忍受着痛苦的疑虑，不通过某种办法来解除疑团，我什么地方也不能去。" "I know where your heart turns and to what it clings. The interestyou cherish is lawless and unconsecrated. Long since you ought tohave crushed it: now you should blush to allude to it. You thinkof Mr. Rochester?"" 我知道你的心向着哪里，依恋着什么。你所怀的兴趣是非法的，不神圣的。你早该将它抛弃了。这会儿你应当为提起它来而感到害臊。你是不是想着罗切斯特先生？" It was true. I confessed it by silence. 确实如此，我默认了。 
你要去找罗切斯特先生吗？" "I must find out what is become of him."" 我得弄清楚他怎么样了。" "It remains for me, then," he said, "to remember you in my prayers,and to entreat God for you, in all earnestness, that you may notindeed become a castaway. I had thought I recognised in you one ofthe chosen. But God sees not as man sees: HIS will be done--"" 那么，"他说，"就让我在祷告中记住你，真诚地祈求上帝不让你真的成为弃儿。我想我已认为你是主的选民了。不过上帝的眼光跟人的不一样，他的才真正起作用。" He opened the gate, passed through it, and strayed away down theglen. He was soon out of sight. 他打开了栅门，走了出去，溜达着行下峡谷，很快就不见了。 On re-entering the parlour, I found Diana standing at the window,looking very thoughtful. Diana was a great deal taller than I: sheput her hand on my shoulder, and, stooping, examined my face. 我再次进入客厅的时候，发觉黛安娜伫立窗边，看上去若有所思，她个子比我高得多。她把手搭在我肩上，俯身端详起我的脸来。 
简，"她说，"现在你总是脸色苍白，焦躁不安。肯定是出了什么事了。告诉我，圣.约翰同你在闹什么别扭。我从这扇窗看了半个小时了。你得原谅我那么暗中监视你，但过了好久我还不知道自己是怎么回事。圣.约翰是个怪人--"
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